


The Problem Has Always Been ME

by notimmortal



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: All the Friendship, Angst with a Happy Ending, Because it didn't fit in again in the end, Can't forget the self projection, Friendship, Gen, I will probably write another fic based on that minor reference, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self projection, Self-Esteem Issues, Very Minor, anyway, only mentioned once
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-27 01:08:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15674955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notimmortal/pseuds/notimmortal
Summary: It was the summer before senior year, just about three weeks before school started again, and Jeremy hadn’t seen or heard from his friends in nearly a month.There had even been radio silence on Michael’s end, which was weird for Jeremy. He hadn’t gone this long without talking to Michael since…“He’s probably just busy. Everyone’s probably just busy,” Jeremy mumbled aloud to himself.Or, more likely, they’re all sick of youthe voice in the back of Jeremy’s head replied in a hiss. That was the problem with the Squip, even when deactivated it still lingers.





	The Problem Has Always Been ME

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello!
> 
> So I saw Be More Chill last week and it was AMAZING I am DEAD INSIDE nothing will EVER matter as much to me EVER  
> Anyway  
> The new song? "Loser/Geek/Whatever"?  
> Broke my heart  
> Too relateable  
> I still have not recovered from it  
> So I decided to use it as inspiration for this bit of self projection because I'm pretty sure all my friends actually hate me and wanted to torture Jeremy with those same thoughts. But don't worry! He gets the happy ending I can't give myself.

It was the summer before senior year, just about three weeks before school started again, and Jeremy hadn’t seen or heard from his friends in nearly a month.

 

There had even been radio silence on Michael’s end, which was weird for Jeremy. He hadn’t gone this long without talking to Michael since…

 

“He’s probably just busy. Everyone’s probably just busy,” Jeremy mumbled aloud to himself.

 

_ Or, more likely, they’re all sick of you _ the voice in the back of Jeremy’s head replied in a hiss. That was the problem with the Squip, even when deactivated it still lingers. Maybe it’s because of how long Jeremy had had it.  _ Rich had it for even longer than you and he rarely hears from his Squip anymore. You’re just weak. _

 

“Shut up.”

 

_ You’re weak, Jeremy. Pathetic. Useless. Unwanted. _

 

“That’s not true!” 

 

_ Really? Then where are you friends, Jeremy? Where are those people you hold so dear to you? Why haven’t you heard from any of them in weeks? _

 

“I… I could text them any time I want!” Jeremy said, pulling out his phone and opening his conversation with Michael. He started to type out a message when the voice in his head popped back in.

 

_ Texting first yet again, Jeremy? Are you sure he would want that? _

 

“Yet… Again?” Jeremy quickly scrolled through his conversation with Michael. Every time they had text, it was because Jeremy had sent the first message. He opened his conversation with Christine just to find the same thing. Chloe, Brooke, Jake, Rich, Jenna… All their conversations started with Jeremy.

 

_ You see! They don’t want to talk to you,  _ _ you _ _ want to talk to  _ _ them _ _. They don’t need you. They don’t  _ _ want _ _ you. _

 

Jeremy wanted to argue, wanted to tell the Squip that it could rot in hell, but the evidence was right in front of him. He was holding onto friends that didn’t even want to talk to him. Didn’t care to message him. Didn’t need him.

 

_ And why would they? The only time you were able to do anything good was under my control. _

 

“That’s a lie! I hurt everyone under your control. I… I hurt Michael under your control. I was a liar, a fraud, a-”

 

_ A well liked individual. Someone who had friends. Someone who even managed to win back his best friend. I was still in control of you then, Jeremy. You were nothing without me. You’re problems have always been caused by  _ _ you _ _. _

 

“I-” Jeremy started, but quickly cut himself off. The Squip was right. If he weren’t so nerdy, he wouldn’t have needed a Squip. If he hadn’t wanted to fit in so badly, he never would’ve betrayed his only real friend. If he hadn’t been so selfish, so desperate, so, so- “The problem has always been me.”

 

_ Now you’re getting it! _

 

“I ruin everything.”

 

_ That’s it, Jeremy. _

 

“I don’t deserve the kindness of the people I would like to call my friends.”

 

_ Everything about you is so terrible. _

 

“Everything about me is just terrible.” Jeremy could feel the phantom pulse of electricity racing down his spine.

 

_ Everything about you makes me want to die. _

 

“Everything about me makes me want to die.” Tears were starting to cloud Jeremy’s vision. Even though most of Jeremy wanted to simply collapse on the bed, he found himself drawn to the bathroom, staring at the pack of razors on the counter. He picked one up, examining it carefully.

 

_ Let’s get to work. _

 

***

 

It was by happenstance that Michael ran into Christine at the mall. He had just exited Spencer’s Gifts (with 3 bottles of Ecto Cooler and 5 bottles of Mountain Dew Red) when he saw her sitting outside the bookstore. “Hey Chrissy!”

 

“Michael! What are you doing here?” Christine asked, putting her book down. 

 

“Just picking up some discontinued drinks. You here by yourself?”

 

Christine shook her head. “Waiting for Brooke, Chloe, and Jenna to get back from Pinkberry. I don’t know what’s taking them so long, though.”

 

As if summoned by their conversation, the girls in question walked up to Michael and Christine with two other people in tow. “Sorry, Christine, we ran into Jake and Rich and had to wait for them to get their food before dragging them back here.”

 

“Yo, Headphones, where’s your better half?” Rich asked, throwing his arm around Michael. “If he doesn’t show up, I’m claiming you as my own.”

 

Michael pushed Rich’s arm off. “You know, I don’t really know. I haven’t heard from Jeremy in a while. I know he and his dad had gone on a trip but that was like a week ago now. I haven’t seen him since before he left.”

 

“Huh, that is weird,” Chloe said, taking a picture of the whole group for her Snapchat. “Well, maybe we should go check on him.”

 

“All of us?” Brooke asked, eating some of her frozen yogurt. “Don’t you think we might overwhelm him.”

 

“Nah, we’re all his friends,” Jake said. “Besides, it would be weird for only some of us to show up when we were all just together. Mell, you think you can lead us back to his house?”

 

“Yeah, no probs, let’s go.”

 

***

 

Jeremy was jumping between social media platforms, trying to curb the loneliness and boredom he was feeling. He was clicking through Snapchat stories when he saw it: On Chloe’s story, a picture of all of his friends with the caption “We love accidental squad meet ups”. Everyone was there, from Brooke to Rich to Michael. 

 

_ What a nice picture. The entire group is there. All the people who are supposed to care about you. Look how happy they are with you not there. _

 

Jeremy’s entire body felt like it had been dunked in cold water. He couldn’t tell if the feeling was caused by the air conditioner kicking back in or the sense of isolation seeping in. It didn’t matter.

 

_ You know, Jeremy, I could still help you. Granted, I can’t take control like I used to, like I  _ _ need _ _ to, but if you can follow directions perfectly… Well I just might be able to get you your friends back. _

 

“I… No. No. I’m not trusting you again. And besides, I would never…”

 

_ Never what, Jeremy? _

 

“I would never ruin their lives again by trying to weasel my way back in. They don’t need that. They don’t need  me .”

 

“Jeremy?” Jeremy’s head whipped around to see Michael, eyes scared, standing right in front of him. Just behind Michael, he could see everyone else.

 

“M-michael! What… What are you doing here? How long have you been here?”

 

“Jere, who were you just talking to?”

 

“N-nobody!”

 

Michael was looking at Jeremy skeptically, his features still laced with concern. Reaching into his bag, Michael pulled out a familiar red bottle. “Drink some of this, then we can all talk, okay?”

 

_ It’s not going to work either way, Jeremy. Just tell them to go. If you don’t want to weasel your way back into their lives, then surely now would be the time to cleanly cut the ties. Don’t drink that. Don’t give in to your selfish urges, you’ll only drag your friends down in the end. _

 

Jeremy looked from the bottle being handed to him to his friends’ faces. Christine looked close to tears, with Jenna not far behind her. Brooke was hiding part of her face behind her hair, Chloe holding her arm like she would fall without the support. Jake, much like Chloe, was holding onto Rich and Rich was giving him the most sympathetic look imaginable. And then there was Michael, his eyes pleading with Jeremy to take the bottle. 

 

The Squip was still yelling, but Jeremy had made up his mind. He took the bottle from Michael and took a few sips. Almost instantly, the Squip ceased to speak. Jeremy looked at his friends with tired eyes before passing out.

 

***

 

He came to on the couch in his living room, his friends scattered around the floor talking to each other. Jeremy groaned as he sat up, which immediately stopped all conversation. “Oh, um, uh, hey, guys?”

 

“JEREMY!” The whole room erupted into chaos as everyone tried to crowd around him. Christine and, oddly enough, Rich were hugging him so hard he could barely breathe. Everyone around him was speaking a mile a minute, words not even registering in his mind. He tried to focus on their faces, which were painted with relief but still tinged with concern. “Guys, what happened?”

 

“You drank some Mountain Dew Red and passed out,” Michael said, squeezing Jeremy’s hand. “You’ve got a lot of explaining to do, buddy. How long have you been hearing the Squip again?”

 

“I, um… About a month, maybe? It had really only gotten bad over the past few days.”

 

“A month! Why didn’t you tell any of us?” Christine asked, squeezing Jeremy’s other hand. 

 

Jeremy shrugged, which earned him a wicked glare from Chloe. “I… I guess I just didn’t want to bother anyone. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle myself.”

 

“Well that’s clearly bullshit, Tall Ass. You should’ve said something sooner, it wouldn’t’ve been a bother.”

 

Jeremy shrugged again, pulling his hands away from his friends. “It wasn’t your problem. It wasn’t anyone’s problem but mine. So you shouldn’t have to deal with it. You shouldn’t have to deal with  me everytime my brain gets too loud, because guess what? My brain is ALWAYS too loud! I… I’m the only problem here, the problem has always been ME, so why should you guys have to come clean up my mess?”

 

The room was silent, except for the occasional sniffle from Jeremy. He wasn’t sure when he had started crying, but now he couldn’t stop. He wiped his eyes some before continuing. “I’m sorry. I just… I feel so alone all the time. Because you guys don’t need me, you don’t need a broken piece who can’t be fixed. Who doesn’t deserve to be fixed. I mean, that’s why you guys never text me or anything, right? Because who could ever stomach talking to Jeremy Heere?”

 

“We could,” Jenna said softly. “I mean, would we be here if we couldn’t?”

 

“Jenna’s right, Jerry,” Brooke said. “You’re our friend. How could you ever believe that you aren’t?”

 

“You can always text us or calls us, Heere,” Jake said, punching him in the arm lightly. “Half the time I don’t even realize who I’m texting and who I’m not, so you just need to speak up.”

 

“Brooke, Jenna, and I are always on the phone, Jeremy, so you just have to reach out,” Chloe said. She stopped for a moment, a look of realization passing over her face. “Or, if it’s easier for you, we can always just send little messages throughout the day or the week just checking in. This way you don’t have to feel bad about texting us first.”

 

“Not that you should ever feel bad about that!” Christine interjected. “We love hearing from you, Jeremy. Just like we love hanging with you. Like Brooke said, you’re our friend. You’re our friend no matter what.”

 

“Like I said before, Tall Ass, you’re not a bother. You’re not a  problem . You don’t need to be fixed because you’re  not broken . I still hear it sometimes, too. But you just gotta reach out, dude, because otherwise it will kill you.”

 

“I know it’s hard sometimes, but Jere… I’m sorry for not checking in on you. I wasn’t thinking, and that’s bad on my part. I know how you’re feeling,” Michael said. Jeremy opened his mouth to say something, but Michael cut him off. “Don’t apologize, Jere. You’ve already apologized enough. And besides, I see what that thing did to you now. It’s okay. But don’t forget that we’re here for you, we know what you’re going through. And we love you.”

 

Jeremy gave a watery smile. “I love you guys, too. And I’m sorry, for all of this. I… I should’ve said something, should’ve gotten out of my own head. I didn’t mean to doubt all of you. I never should have doubted all of you.”

 

Michael smiled at him. “All is forgiven, Jere. Now come on, let’s watch a movie or something. The whole squad is here!”

 

Jeremy watched as his friends argued over what movie to put on, smiling to himself. He wasn’t a problem, he wasn’t a bother, he wasn’t  alone . 

 

And he had never been happier.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated but never required. Come bother me on [tumblr](https://ireallyneedabetterusername.tumblr.com/) I am always taking prompts and all my ships are in the description.
> 
> As I mentioned in the tags and the first note, this is shameful self projection since I've been having a bit of a hard time lately. But that's okay, because I know other people have it worse and I'm trying to move myself along, hence why I wrote this. That being said, if you ever feel like Jeremy did in this fic, please seek out some kind of help. I know it's incredibly hypocritical for me to say that, but I truly believe that no one should have to go through stuff like this alone. Please keep yourselves safe. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading!


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